Thursday, November 25, 2010


Something very new I'm working on:

I thought my anger would place me well in this angry world. But like two magnetic norths the world and I could never quite come together. I swung at it and swung at it and never caught anything but air, landed on my face as often as kept my feet.

Dr. Hattie is always at me about where the anger comes from, and I just tell her, "Inside." She calls bullshit and I know it is, but it feels that way at the time, like a car wreck inside of me, an exploding Hollywood car wreck only you never see it coming from the outside. Inside there’s a buildup, two different drivers at a party having a few too many. But fuck me if I know how it all got started. Dr. Hattie might as well ask me how the big bang got started.

"Inside," I say again, and she calls bullshit again. "Outside then," I say, but she just frowns at me. I frown back. Outside is the God’s honest truth. I don’t want to giver her my sob story. It's a cop out isn’t it? Or maybe that’s what she wants. I can tell her about Dad’s drinking, Mum’s born again high-handed bullshit preaching after years of openly cheating on her husband and letting daycares and schools raise me. Would I be this angry if children's aid social workers had taken me away?

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Anger, Shiva the destroyer and the re-maker. God and I know well that anger has saved me more often than has harmed me. Now though much older the fire still burns hot but is less indiscriminate in it's application.
Who was it that said if you're not angry you don't know what's going on? True words, TWM, we need that fire, and we need the wisdom to apply it correctly. So many young people have the fire in spades, and no control over it. If only we could help them learn that skill at a young age they could be a force to reckon with.
I had a girlfriend once who was theraputized into always showing her anger.

I lose more pictures, wall hangings and windows that way. :)
Ivan, I'm glad you survived that one, and I'm even happier you didn't fall in love with my protagonist.
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