Benjibopper

Seizing the day, and all that, is something we think about to make the inevitable more palatable. We think we'll make the most of our time, but then that resolution is often forgotten. Most of our time is spent inhabiting the gray spaces.
 

Nicely put... do I detect a smidge of sarcasm in the hopeless, helpless, hapless poematics?

I did my best
my gods know it's true
I did okay
better than you


:P
 

Benji,
Quite a turn of phrase done in 8 four line verses and without a damn bit o' punctuation to boot. ha ha ha ha ha ha...I bring up the punctuation because the last workshop I did I was highly and vociferously criticized for never using any. I bowed and now I do. Oy Yez what I coulda been heh?

There are many lines I like but the one that stands out far and away, my favorite is "I seen the signs
in the neon trees"

That is awesome poetspeak. Touches all levels of culture. The city, the suburbs, the rural. I hope it took you hours to find and craft it but I somehow doubt it. One thing that pops though; why the shift from past (seen) to future tense in the next line of the same V?

Carrying on though I'd like some insight into the narrators mind? Defeated, Cynical, puffed up, feeling passed by in the modern day? Plain tired of the fight and justifying it in V6-7?

Musically I would go with something by Elvis Costello as opposed to hard electric. I think the lyric needs to be heard.

*shrug* just an opinion.

Peace
 

I think I'd try an ode, but an ode is a three-liner, like in Alanis Morisette.
You got four lines (four-foot iambs,I guess)...Heh never trust a four-foot iamb!)

Anyway, Alanis adds "baby" as a fourth lin

I guess your could bowdlerize a bit and have it go like Alanis Morisette's One Hand in my Pocket.

Hey. It works!
 

Am I to take that you are somewhat fatalistic about Nova Scotia?

Seriously, though, if I had a working studio I would it set it up for you. If you have a friend with a studio, but who can't write a song to save his life, lemme know. I'll think of something and write it in sheet music.
 

Lynn: that's probably true for a lot of people. since i've started doing something i love (writing) professionally, I find my life less grey, more rosy. but as a great poet once said, everything is rosy and grey.

HOD: sarcasm? moi? could be so. really i'm not sure what this one means. it just came to me.
 

TWM: punctuation eh? never thought of that. a great poet prof once told me that line breaks should basically be read as a pause, so i don't tend to bother with commas or periods unless there is a pause within a line, which for me is rare. in terms of tense, i guess the 'seen' could have easily been 'see', but maybe the fatalistic tone indicates our narrator has seen enough, isn't really searching for new evidence or information. bitter people sometimes get like that. as for the narrator's mindset, i'd say all the above. just say fugit, fugit all, i'm tired of this losing fight, time to enjoy what little time is left. i feel that way sometimes. but it never lasts. thanks for the detailed look at it, it's cool to get detailed feedback/response.
 

TWM again: I made this one up in the shower actually, and I sang it, but I can't remember the tune. I rarely do. But the shower is where I start most of my poems/songs. They just kind of hit me.

Ivan: Unfortunately I have no actual musical talent to figure out a lasting tune to this or any words I've written.

Xdell: Sometimes I'm fatalistic about Earth, but like I say it never lasts too long. Despite all the reasons for pessimism, it's not in my nature. Thanks for the kind offer. I don't know anyone with access to a real studio, but a buddy of mine records music in his loft - he says the acoustics are great there - onto his computer, just his own stuff. Maybe he'd sing it for me if you came up with something.